Most of us are fortunate enough to have wonderful parents. They brought us into this world, physically and emotionally nourished us through childhood and the difficult years of adolescence, then set us free to live our own lives when we reached adulthood. We love them, adore them and continue to enjoy their loving presence in our adult lives. We have a wonderful relationship with them which we treasure and as they grow older we do everything we can to give them any help they need. When they finally pass on we mourn them and there is a big blank space left in our lives which nobody else can ever fill. This is an ideal parental relationship.

For an unfortunate minority however the relationship with their parents varies from slightly abrasive to totally toxic and destructive. They brought us into this world then raised us through childhood with possibly not the best relationship. Perhaps over demanding, expecting too much of us, trying to live their dreams through us. As we come into adolescence and the difficult teenage years this bad relationship only gets worse. Perhaps they want to control every aspect of our lives to suit their expectations and dreams which failed in their lives.

They hope that they can now succeed by living our life for their gratification. They want to choose our future career and are bitterly disappointed and antagonistic when we want to go in another direction. They rarely approve of our romantic partners who they see as “not good enough” and also likely to remove us from their household and control. When we do marry, their relationship with our spouse is distant and disapproving at best. This is an extremely bad parental relationship.

The very difficult question which arises in this case is, should we sever contact with our parents who obviously will never change their ways, and can only be a negative influence on our family. This is something which most of us find extremely hard to do. Before taking this extreme step every way to resolve the problem should be tried.

A frank discussion is needed, with our parents, in which we point out clearly that they are causing stress in our family. Their actions and demeanor toward our spouse is simply not acceptable. We explain that we have to choose our own path in life, and all that we expect from them is love and support. The antagonism and rancour toward our spouse must end, or we will find it necessary to go our way without them, which we would hate to do.

If the ensuing discussion makes it clear that they cannot or do not want to change their ways, we should indeed tell them that we are severing our ties with them and will no longer be in contact. This is an extreme step but if the relationship is destructive it is the wise step to take.

John Mowatt is a writer who is interested in relationships. For much more information see his blog at
relationships

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